Even if I was asked more frequently at the time: “Was that planned?” – the pretty child was a child of choice. We had thought about it briefly, were then determined and the baby was already on the way. No waiting for months, no hope, no fear. Just like that, the baby was in the…
Even if I was asked more frequently at the time: “Was that planned?” – the pretty child was a child of choice. We had thought about it briefly, were then determined and the baby was already on the way. No waiting for months, no hope, no fear. Just like that, the baby was in the stomach. Now I’ve lost a second baby. And without having planned it. I didn’t know it was there. Until it was gone. A strange situation. Do I have to be sad now? What do I have to feel? And do I have to??
I briefly considered whether I should write this text at all. Firstly, the topic is very private. Secondly, I don’t have to deal with any shock, which can be a reason to write it down and share it with others. But while I googled keywords such as “Miscarriage 5th week of pregnancy”, it became clear to me that there are very few texts in the vastness of the Internet that deal with the subject matter-of-factly and I thought that maybe I could write just one.
It is completely understandable that there are few factual texts by women concerned. Miscarriages are not nice. And many women rightly grieve very much for their unborn babies, especially if they lose them at a time when they have been looking forward to it (regardless of whether it is in the 5th or 12th week of pregnancy). In my research, however, I was amazed at the amount of very sad articles and forum entries for extremely early miscarriages.
I have to mourn now too?
And immediately I felt very strange and somehow bad. Wouldn’t I have to grieve too? Why was there so little feeling? Not even a tear, a tiny one? But that didn’t work, because until I realized that a baby was saying goodbye, I hadn’t expected a baby. It wasn’t planned between moving and a lot of work. There was no positive pregnancy test, no joy and no happy surprise either.
Just a nasty surprise that fascinated me equally. Cramps in the evening, for which I blamed my nervous digestive tract. Cramps in the morning, which then showed me what was actually happening. I saw what had arisen in me less than three weeks ago and watched with fascination. It wasn’t difficult to let it go.
My beautiful, sad secret
Shortly afterwards I woke up the pretty one and took it to the childminder on a bicycle. I smiled in the wind. I had a secret. Only I knew that I had been pregnant for the past two weeks. I was not sad, I was just happy about the fact. And that my body worked so well. Something will probably have been wrong with the baby.
I didn’t make a doctor’s appointment with confidence in my body. I am fine. The lost baby was only about two weeks old and I hadn’t even known about him. Nature has her plans, which in most cases go well. I am happy with my unplanned miscarriage. And even happier with my unplanned pregnancy, which ended just like that. All I cry is tears of joy. Now just now. Just a few tiny ones.
What writing can’t always be good for.